In The Middle Of All These

When you came barging into my life early January, never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that you would affect me this much, or that I would learn to love you this much. Had I known, I would’ve run away from you as far I can, as fast as I could, knowing that our lives are far too complicated for us to ever be together. Or for us to ever be more than friends.

I hate you, yet I love you…and it’s the very same reason why I wanted to stay away from you now, knowing that nothing will ever come out of this anyway, despite the fact that you also feel the same way for me, or so you say in one of those rare times you acknowledged your feelings.

After going through a very emotional break-up, I was somehow delighted by the fact that you disproved the myth that I would probably get jaded, and that I would probably never love again. I’d like to thank you for making me realize that, yes…I am still capable of falling in love, and that I can still be silly-happy just seeing someone’s face or hearing someone’s voice for no reason at all. Funny, but that someone turned out to be you.

I didn’t know how it all started, or when. Though I did question myself when I started anticipating your calls and your texts, I tried to assure myself that you were just a friend, that I am just enjoying your company, and that there’s nothing more to it. Even from the start, I felt that we were meant to be soulmates. We enjoy the same music, the same movies, and we share the same wavelength as far as anything and everything is concerned. I felt so comfortable around you, as you are to me, and we’d hang out as often as we like, unmindful of what anyone would say. You were the coolest guy for me, and I was the coolest girl for you. And our friendship seemed like the coolest thing that happened to us.

But unfortunately, somewhere in the middle of all these, I fell inlove with you. For someone so used to heartaches, I didn’t imagine it could still hurt me this badly. But it did. For days, I gathered enough courage to avoid you and to ignore the nagging thoughts in my mind that tell me I miss you, and that I need to see you, or talk to you, or even just to text you. Soon enough, you noticed the changes, as well as the space that I’ve tried to create between us, and expectedly, you assured me that nothing would change, and that nothing would get in the way of our friendship, I know better. Of course, things will change.

We tried to keep the friendship at the same level, but it’s hard pretending to be just your friend when I know in my mind that you are so much more than that to me. We still tried going out together.

Despite all these, I still continued to be your friend, I still continued to be there for you, I still continued to be available whenever you need me, and I still held on to the thought that maybe you could still change your mind, and that you could still fall inlove with me.

Somehow, in the middle of all these, my wish came true, but not in the way I expected it. In one of the rare times that you acknowledge your feelings for me, under the guise of drunkenness, you admitted that you’ve also grown to love me more than a friend; you admitted that you also tried to avoid me by not answering my texts, and by canceling most of our “dates” just because you thought you’re“not worth it”; Funny, I should be happy hearing you say all this, but I don’t know which is worse, not knowing the fact that you love me too or knowing the fact that you love me too yet the reality that I could not have you.

I am not one to fool myself and make believe that there will not be a happy ending for us. I couldn’t fault you for laying it down to me plain & simple that we can never be more than what we are right now. Ok, so you felt the same way. Period. Who am I to expect that you also want to bring this, whatever this is, to the next level anyway? I might’ve been watching too many romantic movies that I am led to believe that one kiss is all it takes for two people to live happily ever after.

You don’t have to avoid me to make me realize that nothing will come out of this. I’ve realized that early on. Truly, love is not enough. I don’t regret being friends with you, I never regret the fact that we became too close, and that this closeness made you so special to me and gave me the chance to fall in love with you. When you came into my life, I didn’t really think of how long will you stay or how soon will you go, but I’d like to thank you for the fact that at one point in my life, you made me happy just by being in it.

Although I could’ve loved you more, I know now that you’re the right one for me.


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