IRONIC LOVE.

Love can be so IRONIC.

Last night, I broke up with the person who gave back my life a year and 2 months ago. Yes she did, after losing myself with my 3 years boyfriend relationship, there’s nothing left for me.  Last night, I cried so much that tears won’t even stop falling and my eyes are too swell that I looked like a mess to show myself up to work at 4am. So I didn’t show up at work, put my iPhone on an airplane mode so that my Team Leader won’t be able to call me and I already have a big excuse inside my head. It’s too late for me to realize that February 6 is a block day and to be absent is a critical offense. I’m going to expect signing off a Notice of Explanation when I get back to work tomorrow, worst I might lose my job.

I just need to breathe, a pause, a break. I just need to feel all the pain big time all at once. I don’t want to take calls while crying. Been there, done that and I really looked stupid.

It was pretty hard to decide. It was one of the most, no not one of the most but the greatest pain I had to go through, and the biggest decision I had to make for myself.

Love is so complicated.

My past relationship works this way, all my boyfriend’s family wants us to end up in marriage but my boyfriend is not the perfect one for me, so I broke up with them. Now, my partner is the one that I’m looking for, the one I’ve been waiting for and the one I was asking for. But, her family doesn’t like me. They hate me.

Now tell me, what option is left for me? I don’t have any.

They say that it’s okay if your partners’ family doesn’t like you. I don’t think it will ever be okay. A blessing from the family is one of the most important things you should consider so that everything else will go well. So don’t tell me that you’ll be happy even without your partners family’s blessing. They might curse you as your partners’ wife and you’ll end up regretting forever. I tell you, most curses happen, if not now, it will look for a perfect timing.

Knowing all these, what option do I have?

I tried my best to forgive them, I really did. But hearing their voices on the background every time we talked over the phone will bring back all the pain. I don’t know why.

Why is it so hard for me to forget? For God sake, I just wanted to move on. Who doesn’t want to right? But for some reason, I don’t know but I’m stuck.

Every time this topic is brought up, she made me feel that it was my mistake. It was I who made these things happen, that I screwed it up. All I could hear was excuses explaining how right her Mom is and how wrong I was. For goddamn sake, can she please show me that she really cares about what I feel? I never heard her saying that her Mom did a mistake, too. All I hear was fucking excuses and that only made me feel that I’m such a mistake.

I’m done with it. I’m tired. I’m fed up.

I left my hometown just so I could move on from what her family did to me. I need to be away so things won’t let me remember what had happened. How come these shits are still their haunting me? Oh please, let me go and just let me live my life!

If I only have the option to make things easier to forget, I would rather choose to have selective amnesia or I hope science is able to discover a pill that could make us forget things that we want to forget.

How could I be so completely happy when my partners’ family is my number one enemy? Every time I look at her I see them in her eyes. Every time we were together and she’d receive a call from her mother or every time we have a conversation and she’d mention them, that brings all the pain again. Is it possible to take her away from them, like stealing her? I hope that option is possible.

So last night, I decided to let this best feeling go out of me. Even if it hurts so much, I feel like I have to do this for myself. I might sound selfish, but I just need to fix myself which I’m trying by the way for almost 7 months now, but I still don’t see any progress.

She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s the best friend I never had. She’s my best mentor. She was always there when my world crashed on me and I don’t know what to do. She was God’s love perfect example.

 How could I simply forget her? How could I simply let go of someone who picked me up and taught me how to walk again? How could I not cry for someone who made me believe that I’m worthy of somebody’s love? But love is so complicated that it’s not going to work out well if only one part of it is perfect. All other sides should be perfect as well so that it could last a lifetime.

I hope that you would forgive me for showing you my weak side. I’ve been so much positive in all my writings that I know I surprised you. The truth is that I’m not really happy. I’m not the type of person who laughs a lot and who smiles a lot to people. I’m a loner. I prefer to be alone because I’m afraid that people will judge me just as some other people did to me before. But I find happiness in giving hope to you people. If I can’t find happiness within myself, I don’t want to infect you. I would want you to be happy with your life and not live a miserable life like I do. You might not survive the darkness. Don’t worry about me because I’m used to it.

I hope that you walked with me in my loneliest days just like how you walked with me in my happiest. Thanks for teaching me how to be happy. Every time you send me comments that you love my work that actually puts a big smile on my face, really. I’ll be forever grateful that though we were located in different parts of the world, we become one when it comes to writing. Such beautiful people with so much conviction, people with dreams in life and people who want to make a difference in the world, people who are not afraid of sharing their works and are open for positive criticisms. I don’t say that I’m intelligent because I know how to write, but I’m saying all these because I look at you people like that and it doesn’t really matter if you don’t look at me the same way. I don’t care if I look stupid with all the things I share, but I don’t look at you that way. For me, writers are the most beautiful people in the world. They don’t just influenced people; they also save people who feel that life is not worth living for. Writers help people in so much ways we don’t even know how.

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