I just breakdown and cry

I just breakdown. I just cried. I miss her. I miss US. I miss myself.

I could no longer pretend that I’m happy. I’m not happy and I never was since I started living alone.

I could no longer pretend that I’m strong enough to hold back the tears. For almost 7 months, I’ve pretended that I’m not a cry baby, that I could be  as strong as any guy could be, but tonight I cried.

I could no longer pretend that I don’t miss her. I miss her everyday. At work, all I could ever think of were moments of the past. The feeling of excitement in reporting to work everyday just because you’ll see her around. There comes a time when you can no longer stop a single tear from falling while waiting for another call to come in and wish that there will be no idle moments just so a thought of her won’t come along inside your head. A time when you just wished to sit down during two intervals of a 15 minute breaks and an hour lunch just because for quite sometime you’re used to taking the break together and now you are completely alone. A time when you wish that you can just go to sleep right away just so that you won’t remember your chit-chat moments before the both of you decided to go to sleep together.

I could no longer pretend how awfully sad I am when she doesn’t have time to talk to me after work just because our schedules are totally different and she’s already asleep when I ended my shift and I’m there totally hopeless. Hopeless because I  don’t have any option but to wait until she wakes up just so she won’t feel sleepy at work. I terribly miss our relationship as friends. I terribly miss our relationship as sisters, exchanging opinions and sometimes ends up in a quarrel but still sounds sweet at the end of the day. I terribly miss the tight hugs and sweet kisses when I just needlessly want it so I’ll feel secure. I terribly miss the way she talks to me, the way she reprimands me, the way she looks at me and the way she made me smile. I miss her incomparable sweet love.

I could no longer pretend that I’m a woman when I feel like a baby inside, crying out so loud hoping that I could be as happy as I was before while I’m still with her. I miss my old self. I miss myself being so sweet, caring and loving. I miss taking care of her and I miss loving her so much that she could feel it.

Tonight, my sadness just takes over me and eat my pride. I realized that I’m still that little girl who needs a hug.

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One thought on “I just breakdown and cry

  1. Issac Maez says:

    Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an incredibly long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t appear. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyhow, just wanted to say superb blog!

    Like

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