Love, remember this.

Love, there are going to be moments, days, weeks when everything is crappy, frustrating, exhausting, infuriating… and oh about an infinite amount of other negative words.

You are going to feel pretty darn awful. You are going to want to crawl into your shell and shut the world and the people in it out. You are going to be angry, lonely, furious… not okay in the least.

In those moments, days, and weeks when life hurts I want you to take it all in and dance it all out. Don’t let the craziness dampen your light. Feel the anger, feel the sorrow – feel it all and keep smiling, keep laughing – keep going.

Remember to be gentle with yourself.

Remember to laugh in the chaos.

Remember to not let everything bottle up inside of you.

Remember on your bad days that love, light, and kindness exist. There will be another moment, another day, another week where everything is beautiful, glorious, inspiring – healing.

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Be afraid, but do it anyway.

My whole life I’ve been telling myself, ‘don’t be afraid’. And it is only now that I’m realizing how stupid that is. Don’t be afraid. Like saying, ‘don’t move out of the way when someone tries to punch you’ or ‘don’t flinch at the heat of fire’ or ‘don’t blink’. Don’t be human. I’m afraid and you’re afraid and we’re all always going to be afraid, because that’s the point. What I should be telling myself is ‘be afraid, but do it anyway’. Live anyway.

3 a.m.

There are days and nights when all you want to do is disappear because you don’t know how to deal with your emotions. If someone asked you if you’re okay, you readily say “yes”, but the truth is, you are terribly hurting, or confuse, or terribly sad deep inside. You don’t want to upset anyone, so you keep quiet, shut the world down, and cry inside.

Am I a terrible person? Am I weird that sometimes I just don’t understand myself enough? I get lost with my emotions, I can’t express it, I can’t say it. And the most painful thing is, I make the people who love me worry about me, worst, hurt them, because they don’t know how to handle me. Sometimes, I hate myself for hurting the people around me unintentionally. If only people read minds, they might get scared of what’s inside my head. I don’t know, this is just one of those days. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, just cry, and let it all out.

Maybe, maybe I’m sad and scared. I’m not even sure about it, but maybe.

I was in a 5 years relationship 5 months ago, and I just realized that I was not happy with the relationship anymore, it took a while before I realized it. It was only after the breakup, terrible. And now, I’m in a nearly 2 months relationship, I am perfectly happy, but I’m leaving him behind. I am so scared, God, I am so scared right now. How could something so happy become so sad and lonely? I know we will be together again one day, but I am not ready to be alone again, literally alone.

I don’t even know how to tell him, that I am very scared, that I am anxious. I think I’m making him worry, and I can’t stand it. I am always good at making someone worry about me, but why, why o why it is so difficult for me when it is very easy for other people? I just hate myself right now. I feel anguish.

I just want to tell him that he gave my life a different meaning, a different outlook, a different perception. I love his strong character. Every time he talks about his experiences, I’m loving him more. I hope he knows well how beautiful he is inside and out. I realized that there’s no reason for me to complain because there are other people who have suffered more than me, who survived. Funny thing is, he’s straight smart, full of ideas, very conversational, down to earth, compassionate, selfless, and a lot more, that he’s not even aware of, just cute.

Darling, I love you. Funny how our love story started, but it was one of the best stories I will always remember. I will see you soon, and I know my days will never be the same again without you for awhile. I love you, so much, love.

 

 

 

Right now, you are a mess.

Right now, you are a mess.

Your house is a mess.

Your mind is a mess.

Your life is a mess.

Every single day the garbage pile inside your soul gets bigger because you refuse to clean up the toxic things inside of you. The longer you continue to refuse to face the crap weighing you down, the longer it will stink up your life. I want more for you than a story of holding onto trash and never realizing that you deserve the treasures buried underneath.

I know it’s hard. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s scary. It’s lonely. It’s heartbreaking, soul crushing, and mind overwhelming to fight, but if you don’t fight you are going to spend every single day of your life wading through mountain piles of crap. You are going to keep waking up infested with negativity. You are going to spend each day drenched in the vomit inducing aroma of misery. You are going to die a little more inside until the only thing left to do is let yourself become a living landfill for all the crap of life. So even though it’s hard, and even though you don’t feel strong, you have to fight. You have to try today, and try tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now… for the rest of your life you have to try.

You need to to get some trash bags and start. Just start. Don’t focus on how much trash there is to get rid of, just start getting rid of the ones you can. Get rid of the small piles and then you’ll be ready for the bigones. Grab that broom and start sweeping out the clutter in your heart. Pick up the dirty laundry in your soul and throw it in the washing machine of love. Pour in the bleach of truth and watch those lies fade into peace. Plug in the vacuum and suck up all those fears holding you prisoner.

I’m saying this because I love you, and I don’t want to watch you live in the garbage thinking you are trash. I don’t want to keep watching someone I love waste away because they refuse to fight, to try, to believe even in the possibility of better life.

Right now you are a mess, but that doesn’t mean you have to stay that way. Change begins with the decision to try, and continues as you keep making that choice to try even when it’s hard, even when you hate everything about yourself, and even when all you want to do is call it quits. You must fight, a little at a time each day. You must ask for help, and trust that there are people in this world who would love to jump into the garbage pile and help you find freedom. You must believe in your story, and that there doesn’t need to be anymore pages filled with brokenness.

Let’s fight for a life that we actually enjoy. Will you choose today to be the day you begin to clean up your insides and outsides?

I love you!

2 a.m.

 

When you came into my life,
I prayed to God with all my might.
I asked for His guidance,
I told Him, “Lord I want to give this love a chance.”
Then things starts to fall into place,
I am so overwhelmed and amazed.
Love, thank you for choosing me,
I am not the same person that I’m used to be.
You made me so perfectly happy,
Please stay forever with me.