3 a.m.

There are days and nights when all you want to do is disappear because you don’t know how to deal with your emotions. If someone asked you if you’re okay, you readily say “yes”, but the truth is, you are terribly hurting, or confuse, or terribly sad deep inside. You don’t want to upset anyone, so you keep quiet, shut the world down, and cry inside.

Am I a terrible person? Am I weird that sometimes I just don’t understand myself enough? I get lost with my emotions, I can’t express it, I can’t say it. And the most painful thing is, I make the people who love me worry about me, worst, hurt them, because they don’t know how to handle me. Sometimes, I hate myself for hurting the people around me unintentionally. If only people read minds, they might get scared of what’s inside my head. I don’t know, this is just one of those days. I want to curl up in a ball, cry, just cry, and let it all out.

Maybe, maybe I’m sad and scared. I’m not even sure about it, but maybe.

I was in a 5 years relationship 5 months ago, and I just realized that I was not happy with the relationship anymore, it took a while before I realized it. It was only after the breakup, terrible. And now, I’m in a nearly 2 months relationship, I am perfectly happy, but I’m leaving him behind. I am so scared, God, I am so scared right now. How could something so happy become so sad and lonely? I know we will be together again one day, but I am not ready to be alone again, literally alone.

I don’t even know how to tell him, that I am very scared, that I am anxious. I think I’m making him worry, and I can’t stand it. I am always good at making someone worry about me, but why, why o why it is so difficult for me when it is very easy for other people? I just hate myself right now. I feel anguish.

I just want to tell him that he gave my life a different meaning, a different outlook, a different perception. I love his strong character. Every time he talks about his experiences, I’m loving him more. I hope he knows well how beautiful he is inside and out. I realized that there’s no reason for me to complain because there are other people who have suffered more than me, who survived. Funny thing is, he’s straight smart, full of ideas, very conversational, down to earth, compassionate, selfless, and a lot more, that he’s not even aware of, just cute.

Darling, I love you. Funny how our love story started, but it was one of the best stories I will always remember. I will see you soon, and I know my days will never be the same again without you for awhile. I love you, so much, love.

 

 

 

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