The Person I Am Afraid To Lose

After a long day, I finally decided to sleep past 8 in the evening. I woke up at 12 midnight, just an hour before my shift starts. My day didn’t turn out so well, I feel sad and lonely. And just like any other day, I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer. I really thought it would just be my usual “thank you” prayer but I started crying like a baby. I realized that I have been keeping all my fears these past few days trying to make myself look strong on the outside.

I fear to lose the man I love the most. I fear that distance will tear us apart. I fear that as the days go by his feelings would change.

I let the fears control me. I let the fears consume me.

I kept all these fears to myself for quite some time now just because I want to project that I am strong, that I can handle this, that this too shall pass. I was wrong, I have to admit to myself that I cannot be strong all the time.

I always struggle with being vulnerable. I have always been the extremely strong and independent woman that I used to be and so showing what I really feel inside is really hard at times. Yet today, to be vulnerable is all I need.

Because, if there’s one thing that true intimacy demands it’s vulnerable, raw, uncomfortable honesty. We think we understand honesty. We really do. We think by saying, “you hurt me when you did that thing last week,” we are being the honest version of ourselves. But, we keep a lot from the person we’re with. We keep those little desires that we think they can’t fulfill. We keep things inside that we think will cause them to run away from us. We do not show our most vulnerable because, simply, we are afraid that at our most raw, we will be left, abandoned.

And, so, we take these little concessions. We say it’s not important that he know the ins and outs of the work we do. We tell ourselves this is all fine small or large because, in our desire to be with them, we can sometimes forget our desire to stay true to ourselves.

We hide our darkness and our fears and our desire because it’s easier that way. It’s easier than the risk of losing them. But, love demands our vulnerability. In fact, it seems that’s the only thing it truly does demand of us. It demands that we stand in front of the person we love and say, “This is all of me. I don’t know if you will continue to love me after I bring you into the darkened corners of my heart, but I need you to know me, to really know me.”

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