This is what I hate most. When my mind is tired but I can’t sleep. This is week is rough. Full of tension, confusion, and a lot more. It’s very draining, I must say. And lately, I keep on asking myself, “Am I the right person who can motivate him?” because whatever I’m doing, doesn’t seem to work at all. He’s still stuck. I feel bad about myself because I think I’m not effective enough. I’m not doing my job well as a girlfriend.
Is it weird that I’m blaming myself for all of these?
I badly want to take him out of his situation. I badly want to see the best of him. I badly want him to feel good about himself because I want to see him happy in his own skin because he deserves it, he damn, for Pete’s sake deserve it. But, I can’t blame him. Whatever happened between him and his ex-girlfriend is out of my business.
I wish people knew how words can break a person; that no matter how bad you feel at the moment and no matter how angry you are, still, be mindful of what you say. You have no idea how your words will impact someone.
I wish I can take that hurt away. I wish I can completely turn things around for him. I want to see him happy with his life. I hate to see him completely clueless about his future. Whatever it is that is holding him back, I wish I can take that away and make him forget. I hope I’m the right person to make these all go away. I hope my love is enough to make him forget all these ugly past behind him.
Every time he’s on a downhill, I seriously break and hurt with him. He doesn’t even know about it. I don’t want to be an add on to his emotional baggage. But if this is the only way for him to know that I understand what he’s going through, then I’m letting him know now. I hope one day he’ll wake up and knows by then what to do.
He’s not a baggage.
I’m holding on because I love him. And in the future, If we will be together as we planned, if that’s meant to happen, which I know there will be more challenges to come, this actually serves as my training ground.
You know what worries me most?
I worry that if he doesn’t move from where he is now, he will become unhappy for the rest of his life, and he will live with regrets, he already is at the moment. He will feel less of a man, that he’s a failure, useless and worthless. All of these thoughts comes from the fact that his life is stagnant. He’s not going anywhere.
I want him to do things that he really likes doing. I want him to go out, see people, and enjoy life the way he sees it. I want him to grow out of his comfort zone. I want him to realize that he deserves more; that even if he blew his chance before, he still has another round to get things back, even better this time. You see, this is not even about “us” anymore. This is all about “him”. I have faith that if he recovers, or if he doesn’t feel stuck anymore, and once he regains his trust and confidence again, everything will fall into place, including “us’.
My love, don’t worry about me breaking and hurting with you. I love you. Whatever you are going through, please know that I am here for you to share it with. I will carry your baggage with you. You are not alone in this battle. Let me suffer with you. Just please let me. This shall pass and this won’t be forever, right? You have to push yourself out of this. I am with you. I will hold your hand all throughout this journey. I won’t let go. I promise.