Fix Me

I’m not sure why all of a sudden a friend gave me a round trip plane ticket. I know it was an act of gratitude but it’s totally out of nowhere and I started to wonder. For some reason, I felt nervous. Things got so shaky lately between us and so flying in 2 days after I got the ticket is something that really makes me scared. It’s like fate did it with purpose, like someone supernatural find it’s way for me to be here.

Before my flight, I had a bad feeling that this trip will be like “make it or break it.” And it seems like I am right all along. I’ve been here for 2 weeks and all we did is fight over our differences, mostly about me, and I admit it, it was me all along.

I’m not mad, I can’t get mad back at him, I love him so much. I blame myself for everything that’s been going on. I’ve been such a pain in the ass, and I hate myself more than anyone else. I tried my best to adjust or at least make things right, but the more I try, the more things get worst.

At this point, I feel really scared that one day he will give up on me just because I can’t make myself right. I really want this relationship. There’s nothing else that I want right now but this only, and I feel bad about myself  for messing up, for ruining everything.

I don’t know what else to do. I can’t stand giving him a hard time anymore, at the same time, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose someone I really want in my life so badly.

Sometimes I wish I could change myself instantly and leave tomorrow with a peaceful mind but I think that’s not going to happen anymore. My flight will be in the next 11 hours. I’m losing hope.

I don’t want to say goodbye, never did I imagine that I would be saying that to someone I love so much.

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