Why Are We Blaming The Person The Cheater Cheated WITH, Rather Than Blaming The Cheater Himself

The other woman, slut, whore, homewrecker — we’ve heard it all before, and some of us have even said things like that about the women our partners cheated with. But why is that? Why do so many people blame the other woman? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that it’s okay to be involved with another woman’s man. What I am saying is, why are we blaming the person the cheater cheated WITH, rather than blaming the cheater himself?

I’ve been thinking about this issue for a long time because I’m amazed at the amount of hatred and rage that is directed toward the other woman.

If you’ve been cheated on and you’re blaming the other woman, you’re totally missing the point or you’re in serious denial.

Think about it. When you hear women talking about a man who cheated on his partner, what do they say? You might hear a little bit of, “She’s nothing but trash,” “She’s a low-life slut,” “She needs her ass kicked.” But why? How is it her fault that your man chose to cheat on you and break your heart? Why is it her responsibility to see that your man is faithful to you? Why does she owe that to you?

Women know what it’s like to fall in love and to love so deeply, you make yourself believe things you shouldn’t believe. Haven’t we all been there? It’s second nature to us, or make that, first nature. We want to believe that the man we love is not a lying, cheating user. We want to believe it when he says he loves us and wants to marry us. When you fall for a man, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to be completely objective and make good choices.

The reality, of course, is that the “other woman” isn’t a mythical creature with a magical vagina. She’s subject to the same lust-fade as the rest of us, regardless of whether she was the pursuer of your man. There is no guarantee of security — for anyone. It’s a fantasy that most men cheat because of the seductive qualities of the other woman. The truth is, men cheat for their own idiosyncratic, internal reasons.

For starters, maybe because it pumps up his ego to have another woman want him; because he’s under a lot of stress and sleeping with someone else offers him an escape; because he’s still too immature to truly commit to a monogamous relationship; because his friends cheat and get away with it, so they set an example for him; because in this age of hookup apps, he can hit it with another woman pretty damn easily; because he’s not feeling connected to you; because he’s not feeling connected to himself; because his father was a cheater and it’s a pattern of learned behavior; because cheating makes him feel adventurous and excited about life; because there are endless combinations of factors that can lead a man to stray that have nothing to do with another woman.

The purpose of this is not to condone having a relationship with a married or otherwise committed person. That’s not what I’m doing. And it’s certainly not to upset or anger anyone. I’d never want to do that. It’s to promote healing by understanding. If we don’t see the other woman as an all-powerful, cold-hearted monster who eats in a relationship men and their families for breakfast, we might be able to see that they are just women who are in very painful, very, very bad situations. They made bad decisions, many times based on false information they believed to be true. They believed promises that we all want to believe that someone loves us and wants to marry us.

There’s actually a higher purpose for this writing, which is to make women understand that even though the woman who has been intimate with your partner might not ever be your friend, she’s also not your enemy.

Remember this, that woman didn’t force your man to make the choice to cheat on you. No one put a gun to his head. HE is responsible for his own actions, including the one that has caused you so much pain. I’m only asking that you consider this and that you put the blame where it should be — ON THE CHEATER. If your home is wrecked, it isn’t the other woman that wrecked it. Your partner is the “homewrecker.” Don’t let him off the hook by blaming her. He’s a big boy, and he knew what he was doing.

Know Your Worth and Add Taxes To It

We don’t have to spent our entire lives being so selfless as fuck and make people happy when all they did was just threw us away like shit. We should stop giving shits to people who wouldn’t even bother to give the shits back to us. We don’t have to let them take us for granted. We should not waste our time on them if it’ll just mean hurting us in the process. We don’t have to be fucking nice to everyone.

And, if someone’s treating us badly, we have the power not to tolerate it. We have to be strong so people won’t walk the shit all over us. We cannot allow them to just treat us like that, we need to recognize our worth. We’re all so afraid to lose them to the point that we lose ourselves in the process.

We have to learn and embrace self-love and self-worth ’cause we’re worth more than every fucking thing. We must not accept the love we just think we deserved. We should over value ourselves and know that we don’t deserve less than what we deserve. We deserve better. We should take care of our own feelings first. Sometimes it’s okay to think of our own and be selfish at times. Because at the end of everything, all we got is ourselves. So we better give a god damn shit to what we feel.

“Don’t expect anyone to love or respect you if you don’t fully love yourself first.”

If we don’t understand all these things, how do we expect others? If we don’t love ourselves then who else will? It sucks because we’re too busy searching for love when in fact we can just find it in ourselves.

We must love ourselves first before anyone else will. And if they cannot see our value and importance, it’s really time for us to know our self-worth. So if everyone else on this world fails us, at least we still have ourselves in the end. When we finally realize our worth, we’ll easily walk away from our shitty past and to the people who don’t deserve us. Because somehow in the end, we’re responsible for creating our own happiness in this life. But first, we must feel it on the inside.

Love yourself, darling. Always love yourself more and never lose yourself in the process. You’re worth it and someone’s going to show you the kind of love that you won’t even doubt and you won’t even question even just for a second.

If You Think You Will Never Be Happy Again, Read This

A month ago, my thirteen months and twelve days long distance relationship ended. But, what you will be reading here is not about what happened, or that I miss him, or that I can’t let him go, or that I want him back. No, hell no. In fact, I’m glad it’s over.

This is about the life I found after I finally got out of the hell I was in for over a year.

I would be lying to myself and to everyone if I say our breakup didn’t break me. It did break and hurt me like hell. In fact, I really thought I won’t survive. That the earth will eat me alive, that my life is over, or that I will never be happy again. Crappy, same old, drama.

I am here to tell you that life is beautiful.

That same day, I went out to meet with friends, tell them what happened, drink some beer (only in tolerable doses, I still care for my liver) and asked God to give me strength through prayers. I did the same routine for 30 days. I did everything to survive. I did not give my brain some time and space to allow bad memories to flashback, even good ones. I did everything to survive, to move on, to accept, and to forgive. And yes, I survived.

I am here to tell you to help yourself.

I totally understand how much it hurts to lose someone you deeply love. I get that, it sucks the life out of you. But remember, things happen for a reason, and let me tell you this, the reason is always beautiful and surprising. Beautiful, because once someone leaves, better things are coming. Surprising, because whoever comes, it will surely be greater than who left.

Do everything that you can to forget. I don’t care if you need to go out and see friends every day. I don’t care if you need to sleepover at your girl friend’s house every night. I don’t care if you need to post all your dramas on Facebook, or to any social media that you owned. I don’t care, just move on, be happy, let go of the guilt, the hurt, and the insecurities.

Don’t let anyone stop you from doing the things that make you feel better because no one has the right to tell you what is right and what is wrong this time. In your current state, you are your own boss. You know yourself better. You know what makes you feel ok, so go ahead and live your life the way you think it is hurt-free.

I am here to tell you that you always have a choice.

You can lock yourself in your room, cry the entire day, ask yourself what went wrong, allow your thoughts to eat you—you can hella do that if you want. Do that for a week, months, or even years, no one will stop you.

But, I know that one day, you will tell yourself that you don’t want to grieve for your loss anymore, that you are tired of it all. And, you will finally decide to forget and move on. So, why not do it right away? Why do you put yourself in a hellish situation, if later on, you will still decide to move on? (Take note: MOVING ON IS A CHOICE). You see, at the end of it all, you will still choose to be ok. Let me tell you now, do it. Choose to be ok. Don’t make yourself suffer any longer because darling, you deseve to be happy.

I am here to tell you that you will be happy again.

If forgetting and moving on is a choice, much more being happy.

Go out, meet new friends, help a stranger, double your efforts at work, do something different, find a new hobby, cook a meal for your family, spend time with your cousins, play with your pet, read a book, try new places to eat or dine, go on long drives, treat a friend, watch a movie, pamper yourself, color your nails, have some eyelash extension, give yourself a very relaxing massage, go to the beach, alone or with friends, sponsor a child, hit the gym, try something different, change your routine. Be weird, be crazy, be wild, be something different. In no time, you’ll get by, and you will be ok, guaranteed.

I am here to tell you that you will love and get hurt again.

You will meet new people. You will like someone. You will love them but it is not guaranteed that they will love you back. It’s either they are in a relationship or they just don’t like you at all. For whatever reason, you will fall in love again, and that’s life.

This time you are stronger, braver, and most importantly, you know better.

I am here to tell you that you are not alone.

Yes, even if you feel so effing alone. Even if you are ‘literally’ alone, you are not. Your family, friends, and above all, God is with you in this new journey. After all, God is the one who is redirecting you to a new path to save you. Sometimes, God breaks our hearts for a number of reasons.

It could be that our hearts lead us astray. When God gives us a partner, we work toward that point as if our life depended on it (because we think it does). And somewhere along the way, that person can become our god. And God becomes an afterthought that we occasionally ask to bless our relationship. And just like that, our hearts have led us astray.

It could also be that God is jealous. Often, our partner becomes our God. We make it into an idol and organize our life in worship to it. Whether it is a relationship, career path, academic degree, status symbol, or to-do list we are determined to complete, when that becomes the ruling authority in our lives, it is an idol. And God is a jealous God. He wants to be number one in our hearts and lives. Because He is God – that is His right.

Another thing is that God loves us. In breaking our hearts, God is rescuing us from ourselves. God breaks our hearts, not to hurt us or because He enjoys our pain – no! God breaks our hearts when we have become so focused on something, rather than on Him. He breaks our heart because it is the only way He can save us from ourselves. He breaks our heart because it is the only way to remove a person that is not best for His daughter.

And most of all, God is seeking a relationship. I remembered that God had set me on this path, but had not promised the endpoint. Many times God may lead us down a certain path toward an unknown door.  We, of course, are focused solely on the door at the end of the journey.  When we reach the end, we may find that the door is locked. God did not lie or forsake us. We may be distracted by the human goal, but God was leading us toward an eternal goal – a closer relationship with Him.

What do you do when God breaks your heart?

When God breaks your heart, hand Him the pieces.

Because He is good and trustworthy and He will always do the best thing.  God is good, and even though your relationship ended, your heart rested securely in the arms of our Savior. Looking back, you see now that God had to break your heart to remove that person so that He could guide you to a far better one. God was acting in your best interest, even though it hurts.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.” (Prov. 3:5-6)

If You Can’t Find Him, Read This

By Samantha Sianghio via thoughtcatalog.com

Have you ever had a day when you weren’t sure He was near?

Reaching out to God feels like hearing that a guy likes you and wants to get to know you, but doesn’t make an effort to do so. You sit in a corner, wondering what you did wrong.

The truth is, God is there, but we can’t command him to show up in the exact ways that we expect. 

God allows us to have bad days to discipline us, but that doesn’t mean he is punishing us. He only wants us to be better and in each bad day that we face, God gives us a lesson to learn. Maybe he wants us to learn to trust Him to bring us through a bad day.

God loves us, and this is why He lets us have bad days. He wants us to grow into beautiful people. His love for us makes us grow big also and we become filled with blessings – blessings like being loving, caring and compassionate to others. God gives these to us through difficult times, through bad days, hard weeks or even tough years.

It is God who is placing that desire in our hearts to get to know Him and we are longing to know Him because He wants us to, so just let things be because He is already with us. 

We do not find Him, we seek Him and it’s completely normal to be discouraged sometimes, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. When God comes, you’ll be able to forget all your difficulties and be grateful for your longing.

When It Hurts, When Times Get Hard, Don’t Forget Whose Child You Are

 

Nobody promised you that life would be easy. Nobody told you that you were going to live a life in which you only walked through rose petals. Sometimes life will have thorns, and sometimes life will have bruises, but the One who gave you this life has the control. He will not leave your side. He is with you. He will never let you go through something that is too hard for you. He has equipped you for every single battle that you will face on this earth. He has given you the wisdom to think and persevere. He has given you the strength to get back up again. He has given you the capacity to resist any wiles of the devil. He has given you knees, hands, and a mind to pray with so that whenever you may find yourself about to give up, you would call His name.

No matter at what point of the storm you are at, He will deliver you. Be strong. Be brave. Be faithful. Calm down. Leave everything in God’s hands. Don’t ever forget who you are, you are a precious child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The enemy is not more powerful than you. Greater and more powerful is He who is with you, than the millions of demons, stresses, sicknesses, and problems that may stand against you.

You are not an ordinary being. Even the devil fights for your soul, but he’s not going to get it now or never. In Jesus’ Name, we shall overcome any hardship that life may bring. Don’t give up. Don’t hurt yourself. Don’t try to take an easy way out. Take Jesus’ hand, and you will pass this storm.

I promise.